Beyond Leaving: What Survivors in Survival Need Most

Before becoming an Executive Director, I grew up watching my mom live through domestic violence. People on the outside would ask the same question again and again: “Why doesn’t she just leave?”

I wish they knew that leaving is never that simple.

Survivors weigh impossible choices:

• Do I risk retaliation if I leave?

• Will I lose my children in the court process?

• How do I survive with no car, no job, no safe place to go?

• Will anyone believe me, or will I be blamed?

I saw firsthand that the moment of leaving is often the most dangerous. Research and lived experience both show that when a woman decides to leave, the risk of violence can actually increase. Survivors know this. They live it. And yet, so often, they’re still shamed for staying.

At D.O.V.E.S. Network®, I’ve heard many survivors share that their silence wasn’t about weakness; it was about survival. One participant told us, “I stayed because I knew if I left that night, he’d find me. Waiting was my only protection.” Another said, “I wasn’t ready, but what helped was knowing someone believed me without trying to rush me.”

These are not excuses. These are survival strategies.

What Support Really Looks Like

If we want to help, we have to stop treating survivors like they’re making bad choices and start seeing the strength it takes to survive every day.

Support looks less like telling someone to “be strong” and more like:

• Presence: Sitting in the silence with them, without judgment.

• Practical care: Offering childcare, a meal, a safe ride, or a spare bedroom.

• Belief: Saying, “I believe you. You’re not crazy. You don’t deserve this. You did nothing wrong.”

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is hold hope and safety until a survivor is ready to hold it for themselves.

A Challenge 

Instead of asking “Why don't they leave?” A question that puts shame on someone already fighting to survive, what if we asked: “How can I walk with them, even if they aren't ready to leave yet?” That shift in perspective could save a life. 

With Survivors, 

Tiffany Mensah, Executive Director